Surgery and other stuff

Ok - yesterday Joans and I went to see her surgeon - not like I didn't know what we were going to talk about, or the decision that Joans had made concerning removing her left breast - I knew that she was going to tell him to do it, I knew that she was going to tell him to do it as soon as possible as not to risk another infection and possibly a hospitalization because of her kidneys - why then is it such a surprise and why am I so upset that it is already scheduled for next Tuesday?  That they went ahead and did their jobs and scheduled it right away, just as she wants?????? Why can't I get the fear out of my head, fear that something is going to happen to her???  It's not the breast - I really could not care what happens to the actual breast, especially if it means she will not have any more infections that criple her and cause her so much pain - not sure exactly what it is that has me so scared - the kidneys?  Maybe - maybe I think they won't be able to make it through another surgery - maybe. 
I am trying not to feed the fear - trying to move beyond it - trying to feel so alone - that's what this whole thing makes me feel - alone - like sitting in the waiting room of the surgery center just waiting, waiting for the familiar face of the doctor to come tell me everything is ok - that she made it through fine, that I can see her in a half an hour or so - look at me - it's not even here yet, it's a week from today and I've got myself so worked up I could explode - help me - help me - help me

Diana!

Today's card - Diana - "Focused Intention - Keep your unwavering thoughts, feelings, and actions focused on your target, and you will make your mark"!!!!!  I am focusing on love today - love for everyone that comes in and out of my life today, known, and unknown, I send them love, I am love, I am divine!  Everything is in divine and perfect order right now!
It's hard sometimes to remember that, that things happen as part of the whole big picture, co-created for a reason, our reason, our agreement, our vibration - it's hard to see through the crap that seems to come up - but I KNOW that all is well, I am grateful for all in my life, I am healed, whole, and healthy!  I am divine, I am love, help me help someone to find themselves today :)

Goddess card

Today's Goddess card is Athena - Inner Wisdowm - "You know what to do. Trust your inner wisdom, and take appropriate action without delay".

Monday, Monday

A nice weekend - too short as usual.
I am calling on my angels to assist me in every way and show me the direction I should be traveling to realize my dreams - my dreams are important - I am divine, I am wonderful, I surrender to them and ask all my angels and guides and the spirits around me for assistance and signs that they are here, I ask for their guidiance and protection - show me the way - help me to help someone find themselves today :)

Thank you

Monday, Monday

Ok - back to work - had a long weekend since had to take Joans to doctors on Friday.  Lauren left for Arizona on Saturday :(  I miss her but I know it will hit harder later - it's not like we see her everyday anymore.  As time goes by the realization that she will not be coming to the house will sink in more than it I know now.  Seeing her post on fb about the trip has been hard.  As much as I protest I do wish her well and a wonderful life (even if I secretly want her to hate it lol) - we all have to take the step and try - follow our dreams - no matter what anyone says.  I've tried not to become her "mother" and tell her all the reasons she shouldn't go - what I want/think doesn't matter - she is the one that has to live the life....maybe if I keep saying it to myself it will sink in lol.
The name Catherine came to me in meditation last night - along with the message to "don't give up now - you're almost there"!  I've asked for a sign that the experience was real - I feel it in my heart though - it was real!

Ok - get up & brush off

Ok - so today is not going as planned - I should be used to that by now - that what I plan to do, to get here early, to make great strides in getting caught up - the best laid plans you know?  Anyway - I'm just getting back up on my feet after taking a short break - a short break to really deal with the fact that Joni is not getting better - a break  with the fact to deal with Lauren is moving in 5 days - a break with the fact that Wells Fargo has said NO again - as Patti most wonderfully put it they took a chess piece but it's not checkmate yet!  She is sooo right - I desire, I deserve to have my home - the home I love - the place I feel at peace!  I am not giving up - I just had to sit for a minute.  Which is fine - sitting for a minute and resting is fine - just don't stay down, don't give up - don't let the negitive take over your head.  I make that harder than it actually is - I am so busy trying to not just bury the thing (whatever it is) that is bringing me down I'm timid about getting back up! I need to pull it close and love it and realize that it's perfect for what I need right now, even if I have no idea why.  I am grateful for Patti and my loved ones and friends that help me see where I'm at and gently (ok, so sometimes not so gently lol) pull me back up onto my feet.  I am grateful for this day, I am grateful for breathing, I am grateful for Joni, Dan, John, Mom and everyone in my life.  I am full of love - love for everyone (even the people at Wells Fargo - they will resolve this situation to my satisfaction!).  I am grateful to have this blog - to write very quickly what needs to come out :)
I am grateful for my family, for the day today - to be able to type, to cry, to breathe, to do anything that I choose to do at this minute - for the freedom to say thank you!

Grateful Wednesday!

Ok - so I've been a little further down that I'd like to be in the past few days - Steph's birthday was Saturday and I see Daniel going through such pain - I have had to forgive her about a dozen times a day in the last four days - I am determined to keep doing that until it stops hurting and I feel a peace in my heart when I think of her - I do have moments now that I feel like that so I am hopeful it won't be too much longer. 
As I tend to do I get into a funk when it comes to the financial stuff that is going on - along with Joni's health, etc.  I bought a deck of Goddess Guidance cards several months ago and carry them with me each day - some days I remember to pull a card for the day, asking what I need to know, who is with me on that particular day.  This morning as I was shuffling the deck a card "jumped" out and landed face down on the floor - taking this as a "sign" that this was my card today (duh!) I picked it up and turned it over.  Amazingly (or not lol) my card today is the Goddess Lakshmi - saying "Bright Future" - "Stop worrying, everything is going to be fine" - I laughed to myself and said thank you to Lakshmi for coming to me - I opened the book that explains the cards more and read the entry - one sentence jumped out at me - "let go of any "bag-lady" fears about your future" - omg - I cried - I have been thinking those exact fears strongly over the past couple days - trying to resolve them and not keep them but nonetheless thinking them.  Well - here's my neon sign today to chill!  As I stare at the card on my desk today I am thankful, grateful and my heart overflows with the love I feel coming all around me.  Thank you powerful Goddess Lakshmi - thank you for being here with me today and reminding me that there are no worries - all is well with my soul and my world this minute and will continue to be!  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  Please help me to help someone find themselves today!

My son - I'm sooo very proud of him.  Not just because he has found a love for football - but for the wonderful young man he has become.  I love him and Daniel more than words can say.  I am blessed to be their mother - blessed to have their wonderful souls in my life - now more than ever.
Things have been challenging over the last few years - I am here today to stand and say that I allow, I surrender, I allow, I surrender - to the Devine all my worries - my heart is light - I am alive!!  I am love!!!
I am loved!!!!

Friday!

I am blessed - Everything I need is right here for me now!!!!! I am prosperous, wise and wonderful!.  My heart is overwhelming and overflowing with love for life, everyone! 

Grateful

Today's Goddess card is Ixchel - Medicine Woman - "you are a channel for Divine healing power".  Showing me that the situation is healed - I am a healer, of my own and the ones that I love.  I am grateful for this card today to remind me that thought is what creates my life.  I am grateful for everything in my life, and everyone in my life.  I love Joni, I love John, I love Daniel, I love Gram, I love my Mom, I love everyone who I interact with today either in person or on the phone.  Love, knowing, bliss!!!!!!!! I am abundance in every part of my life

Trying

Ok - I'm trying today.  It's not easy and I'm teetering between making it and just laying down - not staying down mind you, just laying down and taking a rest.  Waiting for the doctor to call with Joni's biopsy results - the waiting HAS to be worse than actually knowing what is wrong - cause waiting just fills your head with the "what if's".  I'm trying to stay upbeat but most of me wants to scream, cry, and stamp my feet even!  Always seems to be some kind of drama - or is it just life showing up perfectly and I am perceiving it differently......everyone tells me how strong I am - I don't know if that would be accurate - I don't really feel strong, most days I feel blessed.  If I really think about it I am soooo blessed that I should have no fear as to what is going on now - everything is right and perfect and devine right now.  Except it doesn't quite feel that way - oh I can reach the feeling of blessed, just can't keep it - it's like something inside of me keeps saying - "no" you can't be blessed when this mess is all around you.  Why not???  I'm alive, right now.  Joni's alive, right now!  No matter what the doctor says she is alive RIGHT NOW!!!!  As I saw how my Dad's illness took over not his life as much as mine and my mom's - he was in the middle of it and we pretended he didn't know how sick he really was - He KNEW how sick he really was, better than we did.....it didn't change him, who he was or what he did everyday....guess I thought it would or should....guess I thought he would beat it like he did everything else.....maybe he did too?  We will never know...how did this go to something about him when I'm worried about Joni and me?  Because that's the nearest thing that my mind and ego has to compare it with????  The feelings I had then???  That SUCKS!!!!!!!  I choose to step into the unknown and trust, trust that she will be ok.....trust that the house will be ok.....love my life no matter what is going on!  I am loved, loved by so many, loved by the BEST - eternally, forever, no matter what happens....I AM ETERNAL!

That's my boy!  79 and doin fine!

Daddy

Ok, so the anniversary of my Dad's passing was on Saturday, September 18th.  On Friday night I was at a funeral and something made me think of him and a memory of him when I was little.  Sitting at the Consistory in Collingswood - I'm about 8 years old or so.  My mom and I and him are there listening to Larry Farrari play the organ.  Larry is playing a sing-a-long and the song "Let me call you sweetheart" is playing, everyone is singing and I distinctly remember my Dad looking at me and singing and smiling.  It's a nice memory of him that I treasure - anyway, Saturday Joans and John and I are shopping for his shoes, getting his eyes checked, etc. and end up at McDonald's in Turnersville for lunch.  We get our food and sit down - the music playing in the background is elevator music, John says he feels like he's in an elevator - we all laugh about it cause most McDonald's now days play radio type music.  We start to eat and all of a sudden "Let me call you sweetheart" comes over the speaker - I start to cry (actually sob) - can't believe that it's on there on his anniversary to boot!  Guess he was just saying "Hi" on that day!

Path in life

Today's cards are - Divine Guidance, Signs, and Truth & Integrity.
Ok - so I don't have a clue what I am supposed to do today to help myself down my path.  I am grateful to be here, grateful to be loved, grateful to love.  I feel as tho I could cry, cry for what has happened and what has not happened in my life.  What are my dreams?  What do I want?  Is it really to work with animals?  After being in my house with the three dogs I'm not so sure anymore lol.  I love the chickens!  I could spend all my time out in their coop just watching them - except for the mosquito bites it's where I love to be.  I love my home and my yard.  I wish I could spend my time there

Monday

Happy Monday!  Today's Angel cards are -
Forgiveness, Power & Blessings
I am abundance, I am fine, I am powerful, I am blessed!!!!!!!  Having a slow time of it today - not sure where I want to be, I guess I do want to be here and now - what a concept - I actually WANT to be here - how strange is that???!!!!  I have enough money, money flows to me in ever increasing amounts everyday.  I am grateful for the money in my life, the abundance of all that I have and see and love.
Had a wonderful time at Rog and Karen's wedding on Saturday - the weather was beautiful - the bride was beautiful and we met some amazing new friends.
Everything happens for a reason, why is what is happening today happening?

Friday!

Well - today is Friday, not that I had a full work week or anything but I am grateful just the same.  I do love my job tho so whereas I feel I need rest I don't feel I need to be away from work - does that make sense?????  I am grateful today for my podcasts that give me guidance and have shown me what life is about.  My heart is overflowing today with the love and peace that I've been chasing for so long.  I want this feeling to remain forever - untouched by outside influences, emails, phone calls, etc. whatever "stones in the road" that come.  I trust that whatever it is that shows up, that I've co-created - is there to assist me to move further into myself and my relationship with God and myself. 
My angel cards today are - Meditation, Miracles, and Healing.  I thank the angels for showing me everyday that my life is full, wonderful, and sooo worth living.  I want to play more, worry less - and love everything about this crazy thing we've all chosen to go through called life!

Reflective

I'm reflective today - so much has happened in the last weeks, months, and years that some people would consider bad, dramitic, whatever - I am chosing to see everything as lessons - lessons that have brought me to where I am today - to the reflection of what I am today.  Grateful doesn't even encompass it all - I am overwhelmed with gratitute for all I have and all I continue to have in my life.  I look forward everyday to what will come - I have stopped wishing the days away, that "this" would be over soon.  I realize to wish that "this" would be over soon means to wish life would be over soon - and it goes so fast to begin with - why would anyone try to rush it?  I've spent alot of time worried, in fear, of what is to come and I realize that I wasted my "now" with it.  I release my worry and doubt to God - RIGHT NOW - my heart is filled with love right now, right now I am breathing and seeing and typing and hearing everything going on around me and I'm grateful for the awareness of all these things!
I'm grateful Daniel loved his first day at his new job - he is eager to return tomrrow and who knows what possibilities lie in store for him - I'm excited for him!

Intention

It is my intention today to be in graditute and kindness.  Last night was rough - I'm not sure how to deal with my feelings towards Zac - I feel very betrayed by him, I know that was not his intention - it's his addiction that does this to him, makes him do what he does.  I am working to not take it personally or to judge - that's really hard.  I now forgive him for what he did, doesn't make it ok but I cannot carry this anger around anymore.  I'm sorry to him that I've carried the anger.
I am grateful that Dan is starting his new job today.  I am grateful that he is ok for today.  I am grateful that Joans is ok and that John is ok.  I am grateful they love me and I love them.  I feel love today and it swells my heart.

Gratitute

Hi all -
I am writing this blog to you and the Universe to let everyone know that I am grateful - for breathing, for living, for loving, for everything in my life.  I know that everything is in Divine and perfect order right now!  Doesn't mean that everything in life is rosy and beautiful - I have several things that are pretty ugly on my plate right now.  But - I know they are necessary, know that I don't have to put pink paint on them to try and make them look nice when they are not.  Still, I am grateful for my love, my body, my world as it is right now.  I see myself at the end of the situations with what I want to happen happening.
I realize that we all spend so much time saying if only _____ would happen/show up/whatever I would be happy.  The key is to be happy RIGHT NOW!  I am happy RIGHT NOW!