Trying

Ok - I'm trying today.  It's not easy and I'm teetering between making it and just laying down - not staying down mind you, just laying down and taking a rest.  Waiting for the doctor to call with Joni's biopsy results - the waiting HAS to be worse than actually knowing what is wrong - cause waiting just fills your head with the "what if's".  I'm trying to stay upbeat but most of me wants to scream, cry, and stamp my feet even!  Always seems to be some kind of drama - or is it just life showing up perfectly and I am perceiving it differently......everyone tells me how strong I am - I don't know if that would be accurate - I don't really feel strong, most days I feel blessed.  If I really think about it I am soooo blessed that I should have no fear as to what is going on now - everything is right and perfect and devine right now.  Except it doesn't quite feel that way - oh I can reach the feeling of blessed, just can't keep it - it's like something inside of me keeps saying - "no" you can't be blessed when this mess is all around you.  Why not???  I'm alive, right now.  Joni's alive, right now!  No matter what the doctor says she is alive RIGHT NOW!!!!  As I saw how my Dad's illness took over not his life as much as mine and my mom's - he was in the middle of it and we pretended he didn't know how sick he really was - He KNEW how sick he really was, better than we did.....it didn't change him, who he was or what he did everyday....guess I thought it would or should....guess I thought he would beat it like he did everything else.....maybe he did too?  We will never know...how did this go to something about him when I'm worried about Joni and me?  Because that's the nearest thing that my mind and ego has to compare it with????  The feelings I had then???  That SUCKS!!!!!!!  I choose to step into the unknown and trust, trust that she will be ok.....trust that the house will be ok.....love my life no matter what is going on!  I am loved, loved by so many, loved by the BEST - eternally, forever, no matter what happens....I AM ETERNAL!