Ok - yesterday Joans and I went to see her surgeon - not like I didn't know what we were going to talk about, or the decision that Joans had made concerning removing her left breast - I knew that she was going to tell him to do it, I knew that she was going to tell him to do it as soon as possible as not to risk another infection and possibly a hospitalization because of her kidneys - why then is it such a surprise and why am I so upset that it is already scheduled for next Tuesday? That they went ahead and did their jobs and scheduled it right away, just as she wants?????? Why can't I get the fear out of my head, fear that something is going to happen to her??? It's not the breast - I really could not care what happens to the actual breast, especially if it means she will not have any more infections that criple her and cause her so much pain - not sure exactly what it is that has me so scared - the kidneys? Maybe - maybe I think they won't be able to make it through another surgery - maybe.
I am trying not to feed the fear - trying to move beyond it - trying to feel so alone - that's what this whole thing makes me feel - alone - like sitting in the waiting room of the surgery center just waiting, waiting for the familiar face of the doctor to come tell me everything is ok - that she made it through fine, that I can see her in a half an hour or so - look at me - it's not even here yet, it's a week from today and I've got myself so worked up I could explode - help me - help me - help me
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