Surgery and other stuff

Ok - yesterday Joans and I went to see her surgeon - not like I didn't know what we were going to talk about, or the decision that Joans had made concerning removing her left breast - I knew that she was going to tell him to do it, I knew that she was going to tell him to do it as soon as possible as not to risk another infection and possibly a hospitalization because of her kidneys - why then is it such a surprise and why am I so upset that it is already scheduled for next Tuesday?  That they went ahead and did their jobs and scheduled it right away, just as she wants?????? Why can't I get the fear out of my head, fear that something is going to happen to her???  It's not the breast - I really could not care what happens to the actual breast, especially if it means she will not have any more infections that criple her and cause her so much pain - not sure exactly what it is that has me so scared - the kidneys?  Maybe - maybe I think they won't be able to make it through another surgery - maybe. 
I am trying not to feed the fear - trying to move beyond it - trying to feel so alone - that's what this whole thing makes me feel - alone - like sitting in the waiting room of the surgery center just waiting, waiting for the familiar face of the doctor to come tell me everything is ok - that she made it through fine, that I can see her in a half an hour or so - look at me - it's not even here yet, it's a week from today and I've got myself so worked up I could explode - help me - help me - help me

Diana!

Today's card - Diana - "Focused Intention - Keep your unwavering thoughts, feelings, and actions focused on your target, and you will make your mark"!!!!!  I am focusing on love today - love for everyone that comes in and out of my life today, known, and unknown, I send them love, I am love, I am divine!  Everything is in divine and perfect order right now!
It's hard sometimes to remember that, that things happen as part of the whole big picture, co-created for a reason, our reason, our agreement, our vibration - it's hard to see through the crap that seems to come up - but I KNOW that all is well, I am grateful for all in my life, I am healed, whole, and healthy!  I am divine, I am love, help me help someone to find themselves today :)

Goddess card

Today's Goddess card is Athena - Inner Wisdowm - "You know what to do. Trust your inner wisdom, and take appropriate action without delay".

Monday, Monday

A nice weekend - too short as usual.
I am calling on my angels to assist me in every way and show me the direction I should be traveling to realize my dreams - my dreams are important - I am divine, I am wonderful, I surrender to them and ask all my angels and guides and the spirits around me for assistance and signs that they are here, I ask for their guidiance and protection - show me the way - help me to help someone find themselves today :)

Thank you

Monday, Monday

Ok - back to work - had a long weekend since had to take Joans to doctors on Friday.  Lauren left for Arizona on Saturday :(  I miss her but I know it will hit harder later - it's not like we see her everyday anymore.  As time goes by the realization that she will not be coming to the house will sink in more than it I know now.  Seeing her post on fb about the trip has been hard.  As much as I protest I do wish her well and a wonderful life (even if I secretly want her to hate it lol) - we all have to take the step and try - follow our dreams - no matter what anyone says.  I've tried not to become her "mother" and tell her all the reasons she shouldn't go - what I want/think doesn't matter - she is the one that has to live the life....maybe if I keep saying it to myself it will sink in lol.
The name Catherine came to me in meditation last night - along with the message to "don't give up now - you're almost there"!  I've asked for a sign that the experience was real - I feel it in my heart though - it was real!

Ok - get up & brush off

Ok - so today is not going as planned - I should be used to that by now - that what I plan to do, to get here early, to make great strides in getting caught up - the best laid plans you know?  Anyway - I'm just getting back up on my feet after taking a short break - a short break to really deal with the fact that Joni is not getting better - a break  with the fact to deal with Lauren is moving in 5 days - a break with the fact that Wells Fargo has said NO again - as Patti most wonderfully put it they took a chess piece but it's not checkmate yet!  She is sooo right - I desire, I deserve to have my home - the home I love - the place I feel at peace!  I am not giving up - I just had to sit for a minute.  Which is fine - sitting for a minute and resting is fine - just don't stay down, don't give up - don't let the negitive take over your head.  I make that harder than it actually is - I am so busy trying to not just bury the thing (whatever it is) that is bringing me down I'm timid about getting back up! I need to pull it close and love it and realize that it's perfect for what I need right now, even if I have no idea why.  I am grateful for Patti and my loved ones and friends that help me see where I'm at and gently (ok, so sometimes not so gently lol) pull me back up onto my feet.  I am grateful for this day, I am grateful for breathing, I am grateful for Joni, Dan, John, Mom and everyone in my life.  I am full of love - love for everyone (even the people at Wells Fargo - they will resolve this situation to my satisfaction!).  I am grateful to have this blog - to write very quickly what needs to come out :)
I am grateful for my family, for the day today - to be able to type, to cry, to breathe, to do anything that I choose to do at this minute - for the freedom to say thank you!

Grateful Wednesday!

Ok - so I've been a little further down that I'd like to be in the past few days - Steph's birthday was Saturday and I see Daniel going through such pain - I have had to forgive her about a dozen times a day in the last four days - I am determined to keep doing that until it stops hurting and I feel a peace in my heart when I think of her - I do have moments now that I feel like that so I am hopeful it won't be too much longer. 
As I tend to do I get into a funk when it comes to the financial stuff that is going on - along with Joni's health, etc.  I bought a deck of Goddess Guidance cards several months ago and carry them with me each day - some days I remember to pull a card for the day, asking what I need to know, who is with me on that particular day.  This morning as I was shuffling the deck a card "jumped" out and landed face down on the floor - taking this as a "sign" that this was my card today (duh!) I picked it up and turned it over.  Amazingly (or not lol) my card today is the Goddess Lakshmi - saying "Bright Future" - "Stop worrying, everything is going to be fine" - I laughed to myself and said thank you to Lakshmi for coming to me - I opened the book that explains the cards more and read the entry - one sentence jumped out at me - "let go of any "bag-lady" fears about your future" - omg - I cried - I have been thinking those exact fears strongly over the past couple days - trying to resolve them and not keep them but nonetheless thinking them.  Well - here's my neon sign today to chill!  As I stare at the card on my desk today I am thankful, grateful and my heart overflows with the love I feel coming all around me.  Thank you powerful Goddess Lakshmi - thank you for being here with me today and reminding me that there are no worries - all is well with my soul and my world this minute and will continue to be!  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  Please help me to help someone find themselves today!